


Eientei Clinical Record 385-A

by Ciryes



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Medical Inaccuracies, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 20:59:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15938177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciryes/pseuds/Ciryes
Summary: Enclosed is a summary of this week's patient visits to Eientei and pharmaceutical allocations for archival purposes. When reading this document please bear in mind the importance of doctor-patient confidentiality. (Yes, Tewi, that means you.)





	Eientei Clinical Record 385-A

**== Monday ==**

**Patient name:** Hakurei, Reimu  
**Summary:** Patient complained of a sore back from 'constantly having to deal with villains like you all the time'. Seemed highly agitated.  
**Treatment:** Patient given massage by rabbits.  
**Result:** Patient notably more amicable, claimed pain had disappeared.

 **Patient name:** Kirisame, Marisa  
**Summary:** Patient claimed to be dying and in intense pain. Patient was found to be in perfect health. Upon attempting to leave the premises, patient was found to be in possession of multiple Eientei-brand drugs and several expensive pieces of medical equipment.  
**Treatment:** Danmaku applied to patient  
**Result:** Patient forcibly escorted from premises.

 **Patient name:** Rumia  
**Summary:** Patient complained of toothache. Patient was found to have 3 inch fragment of bone from unidentified species stuck between left molar teeth. Patient was unaware of presence of foreign body until pointed out.  
**Treatment:** Bone fragment removed.  
**Result:** Immediate relief.

 **Patient name:** Yakumo, Ran  
**Summary:** Patient complained of various aches and pains. Patient also confessed to feeling overworked.  
**Treatment:** Patient given medicinal salve and strongly-worded letter for Yakumo Yukari.

 **Patient name:** Motoori, Kosuzu  
**Summary:** Patient complained of persistent nightmares leaving her agitated throughout the day.  
**Treatment:** Patient given pill for peaceful sleep.  
**Result:** To be seen.

 **Patient name:** Tatara, Kogasa  
**Summary:** Patient noted a persistent feeling of depression after repeated failed attempts to scare humans.  
**Treatment:** Patient given residential address of Motoori Kosuzu.

 **Patient name:** Scarlet, Remilia  
**Summary:** Patient requested a way to avoid sunlight without the aid of a parasol.  
**Treatment:** Suggested sunscreen.  
**Result:** Patient refused to use sunscreen, calling it a 'disgusting sludge', angrily left clinic.

 **Patient name:** Inaba, Reisen Udongein  
**Summary:** Patient received head injury from ambush attack with wooden mallet.  
**Treatment:** Cold compress applied to injured area.  
**Result:** Swelling reduced. Tewi given extra chores for next week.

**== Tuesday ==**

**Patient name:** Lily White  
**Summary:** Patient complained of common allergic symptoms. Was found to have a mild pollen allergy. Expressed disbelief at being able to have 'spring fever'. Acted as if personally slighted. Accepted treatment regardless.  
**Treatment:** Patient given antihistamines.

 **Patient name:** Prismriver, Lyrica  
**Summary:** Patient complained of hearing loss after older sister played trumpet directly against her ear 'as a prank'.  
**Treatment:** Patient given restorative ear drops.  
**Result:** Patient's hearing returned.

 **Patient name:** Konpaku, Youmu  
**Summary:** Patient arrived at clinic incredibly distressed, claimed through tears to have accidentally hit ghost half with sword.  
**Treatment:** Patient notified that ghost half was in fact intangible; sword had passed through without incident.  
**Result:** Patient embarrassedly left the clinic.

 **Patient name:** Saigyouji, Yuyuko  
**Summary:** Patient complained of a stomachache.  
**Treatment:** Patient given antacid.

 **Patient name:** Chen  
**Summary:** Visitor brought injured kitten to clinic, was incredibly distressed.  
**Treatment:** Kitten's injury treated, bakeneko given head pat and assured that kitten would be okay.  
**Result:** Kitten made full recovery.

 **Patient name:** Shameimaru, Aya  
**Summary:** Patient not actually ill. Requested interview regarding recent karakasa-obake attack in Human Village.  
**Result:** Request denied. Patient forcibly escorted from premises.

 **Patient name:** Kazami, Yuuka  
**Summary:** Patient requested treatment for injuries obviously sustained in intense battle. Gave no details. Made polite conversation during treatment.  
**Treatment:** Patient's wounds cleaned and bandaged.  
**Notes:** Was too afraid to ask for details.

**== Wednesday ==**

**Patient name:** Kochiya, Sanae  
**Summary:** Patient suffering from flu.  
**Treatment:** None, see below.  
**Result:** Patient made seemingly miraculous recovery, rendering treatment unneccessary.

 **Patient name:** Ibaraki, Kasen  
**Summary:** Patient suffering from tiger bite. When questioned, simply replied, 'Pets, you know how they are'.  
**Treatment:** Patient's wound bandaged.

 **Patient name:** Komeiji, Koishi  
**Summary:** Unable to locate patient.  
**Treatment:** N/A

 **Patient name:** Moriya, Suwako  
**Summary:** Patient claimed to have a frog in her throat.  
**Treatment:** Frog removed from throat.

 **Patient name:** Inubashiri, Momiji  
**Summary:** Patient experiencing symptoms of acute food poisoning after eating chocolate.  
**Treatment:** Patient given antitoxin.  
**Notes:** How many times must I remind people that this applies to _youkai_ dogs too?

 **Patient name:** Kawashiro, Nitori  
**Summary:** Patient had no illness and wished to advertise newest kappa-manufactured medicine, "Shiri-Go-Dama".  
**Treatment:** Kappa removed from premises.  
**Notes:** Medicine was found to induce violent bowel evacuation. Implications unpleasant.

 **Patient name:** Hinanawi, Tenshi  
**Summary:** Patient complained of stomach pain and claimed to have ingested a rock. When questioned, stated she did so 'because [she] was bored'.  
**Treatment:** 6" diameter rock surgically removed.  
**Notes:** How? How did she even eat this thing?

**== Thursday ==**

**Patient name:** Kisume  
**Summary:** Patient stuck head-first in wooden bucket.  
**Treatment:** Removed patient from bucket.

 **Patient name:** Hoshiguma, Yuugi  
**Summary:** Patient pulled a muscle attempting to lift Youkai Mountain.  
**Treatment:** Patient given arm sling. Patient advised not to attempt to lift mountains.

 **Patient name:** Ibuki, Suika  
**Summary:** Also tried to lift a mountain, to, quote, 'show Yuugi who the real deva is'.  
**Treatment:** Ditto.  
**Notes:** Why are oni like this?

 **Patient name:** Cirno  
**Summary:** Patient very distressed, claims to have lost both hands. Hands discovered to be present - invisible, not missing.  
**Result:** Invisible trio of fairies discovered in corner after overheard muffled laughter. All four reprimanded harshly.

 **Patient name:** Mima  
**Summary:** Patient claimed to be dying.  
**Treatment:** Patient informed that she is already dead.  
**Result:** Patient cackled madly and fled.

 **Patient name:** Komeiji, Satori  
**Summary:** Patient complaining of frequent headaches.  
**Treatment:** Patient given specially-developed medicine for satori to decrease psychic perception's strain on brain.  
**Result:** Patient incredibly grateful to 'go home and not have to listen to all the incomprehensible doctor jargon in your head', and added 'if anything was giving me a damn headache'.

 **Patient name:** Knowledge, Patchouli  
**Summary:** Patient in for regular check-up.  
**Treatment:** Stated that dusty environment of library may be worsening her athsma, suggested she get outside more often.  
**Result:** She suggested 'no'.

 **Patient name:** Reiuji, Utsuho  
**Summary:** Patient experiencing nausea.  
**Treatment:** Patient given antacid.  
**Notes:** Rabbit hazmat team employed to remove hazardous radioactive material from floor.

**== Friday ==**

**Patient name:** Mononobe no Futo  
**Summary:** Skateboard accident resulting in broken leg. Patient claims '[she] simply desired to appeareth cool'.  
**Treatment:** Leg placed in cast.

 **Patient name:** Toramaru, Shou  
**Summary:** Patient appeared incredibly groggy and disheveled, requested treatment for hangover.  
**Treatment:** Hangover cure given to patient.  
**Result:** Patient recovered and swore me to secrecy. Assured patient that everything was confidential from the start.

 **Patient name:** Sekibanki  
**Summary:** Patient's head detached from body and stuck inside a basketball hoop.  
**Treatment:** Basketball hoop cut open to remove head.  
**Notes:** I'm not even going to ask.

 **Patient name:** Hijiri, Byakuren  
**Summary:** High-speed motorcycle collision.  
**Treatment:** Injuries bandaged. Patient strongly advised to wear a helmet when operating motor vehicles.

 **Patient name:** Imaizumi, Kagerou  
**Summary:** Patient reluctant to state nature of problem for several minutes. Patient eventually admitted embarrassment over monthly growth of large quantities of body hair.  
**Treatment:** Patient given hair removal cream.  
**Result:** Pending next full moon

 **Patient name:** Miyako, Yoshika  
**Summary:** Patient brought in by her... guardian (I think). Patient's arm has fallen off. Guardian(?) has apparently tried to reattach it herself to no luck.  
**Treatment:** Arm stitched back onto patient.  
**Result:** Patient attempted to eat my stethoscope.

 **Patient name:** Hata no Kokoro  
**Summary:** Patient highly distressed, cannot find her mask representing the emotion of worry.  
**Treatment:** Pointed out that patient is already wearing aforementioned mask.  
**Result:** Patient dons mask representing the emotion of surprise, shortly followed by one of cheer.

 **Patient name:** Hakurei, Reimu  
**Summary:** Patient claims to have 'a severe case of greedy-guts', 'chronic stupid', and 'silly shrine maiden-itis'.  
**Revised Patient name:** Futatsuiwa, Mamizou

**== Saturday ==**

**Patient name:** Kasodani, Kyouko  
**Summary:** Patient lost her voice.  
**Treatment:** Medicinal syrup.  
**Result:** Once patient's voice returns, admits experimenting with screamo metal was a bad decision and she's going back to punk rock.

 **Patient name:** Sukuna, Shinmyoumaru  
**Summary:** Patient brought in by mildly annoyed shrine maiden. Patient stuck to fly paper.  
**Treatment:** Patient carefully removed from fly paper.

 **Patient name:** Yatadera, Narumi  
**Summary:** Patient entered the clinic in distress. Several minutes later, was able to discern that nothing was wrong with her at all and she was just feeling sad.  
**Treatment:** Administered hug.  
**Result:** Improved feelings.

 **Patient name:** Matara, Okina  
**Summary:** Patient attempted to convince me that her servants were an infectious disease in a bid to get rid of them.  
**Treatment:** None  
**Notes:** Pathogens don't dance.

 **Patient name:** Junko  
**Summary:** Patient came in for grief counseling.  
**Notes:** Everything was going fine until she burnt the room down in rage. Still, an improvement over last time.

 **Patient name:** Yorigami, Joon  
**Summary:** Patient had a 100 yen note stuck in [REDACTED].  
**Treatment:** Note removed. Suggested patient bathe in money less often.

 **Patient name:** Lapislazuli, Hecatia  
**Summary:** Patient complained about a sore head.  
**Notes:** This is the first time I had to ask 'which'.

 **Patient name:** Usami, Sumireko  
**Summary:** Patient claimed to be suffering from 'ligma'.  
**Treatment:** None.  
**Notes:** I'm not an idiot.

**== Sunday ==**

**Patient name:** Yorigami, Shion  
**Summary:** Patient requested something to make her more fortunate.  
**Treatment:** Asked Tewi to spend time with patient.  
**Result:** Patient seemed notably more cheerful than usual. Tewi unaffected by aura of misfortune.  
**Notes:** Interesting. May consider selling parts of Tewi to human villagers as good luck charms.

(...Just kidding. Tewi, please stop reading through these records.)

 **Patient name:** Satsuki, Rin  
**Summary:** Had an appointment scheduled, but never showed up.  
**Treatment:** N/A  
**Result:** N/A

 **Patient name:** Medicine Melancholy  
**Summary:** Patient was not ill; requested various toxic chemicals from Eientei lab for personal use.  
**Result:** Request denied. Patient cautiously escorted from premises.

 **Patient name:** Clownpiece  
**Summary:** Patient accidentally burned off part of wing during arson attempt.  
**Treatment:** Patient exterminated.  
**Notes:** She's a fairy. She'll come back perfectly intact some time later.

 **Patient name:** Izayoi, Sakuya  
**Summary:** Patient inquired if Eientei would be interested in a reverse blood drive in which it donated blood to patrons.  
**Result:** Request denied.

 **Patient name:** Houraisan, Kaguya  
**Summary:** Patient claimed to be suffering from chronic boredom.  
**Treatment:** Patient informed that boredom is not a medical condition.

 **Patient name:** Yakumo, Yukari  
**Summary:** I... I honestly don't know. She just sat down and stared at me.  
**Treatment:** I asked her if she needed anything. She said 'maybe'.  
**Result:** I blinked and she was gone. Not totally convinced it wasn't a fever dream.

 **Patient name:** Yagokoro, Eirin  
**Summary:** Exhaustion.  
**Treatment:** Coffee.


End file.
